For most of my life, I thought sleep was a waste of time. Often I’d have this feeling that I was going to miss out on something if I slept. Silly thing was, most of the time I didn’t really do anything productive and nothing worthwhile really occurred. But still, I’d keep my eyes open. And of course with no surprise, I often had bad sleeping habits.
When I think about it, I’m not totally sure, but I would venture to guess that I was hungry for something to satisfy me. This inner desire to feel alive and feel moved and feel loved. Ultimately, to be satisfied. I think I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want to stop searching. It kind of explains why in the past I would stay up really late just chatting with friends, browsing the internet for something interesting, going out and staying out late with friends. Just needed to find something, anything. Often I’d end up finding some not so good things.
God’s been moving deeply in my soul lately, really pressing on the heart issues, leading me to repentance. It’s been sobering. I find myself really, really tired these days as well. Working full-time, going to school full-time, and serving at church leaves me with very very little free time and not much sleep. I’ve never been this busy before. I’m doing a lot, I must admit. But the interesting thing is, the things I’m doing are not the point at all. It’s the heart and where it is. It’s God and who He is. He’s been gracious and kind to me. Always has but I’ve been seeing it more lately and for that I’m grateful.
I’m pretty exhausted. In the past, I would force myself to stay up just for the heck of it even when I was extremely tired, just searching, still empty. These days, my soul feels full. I think I’m beginning to like sleep (and not just because I’m tired).